I am home

After months of searching, I finally find home.

It feels weird at the same time very familiar. The laughter, the jokes and the passion is back. I’ve waited for this day to happen.

Months ago, I posted something about going home and finding myself. Well, I am home now but finding myself is not yet over. I am just way beyond the depressed mode. Yes, I am way over YOU mister. I am way over our love story.

Yes I am home. This time, in a different place. In a different setting but the feeling of home is still the same.

Falling leaves

“Think of them as leaves and you’re the tree. They will leave you. Either they  wilt or be removed by somebody.”

It’s sad that as you grow old you can no longer say “Hi! how are you?” to a childhood friend. Today I was bothered by how much I miss the people I once had. They were not the best but they have given me one of the best memories to keep for sure.

To all the friends I lost contact with, I miss you. I just don’t know how to reach and approach you. For sure y’all are having a good time now. Showing the world the best in you. I am happy for your success in life. I am sorry for not being there with your ups and downs but I am very proud to say that you are and have been my friend. I am with you in spirits (smile).

Really I miss you and I hope to hear from everyone of you in the next coming days.

A eulogy to myself

You are not the kindest person, not the most respectful and far from being religious. You are you. You’ve lived your life not the way you wanted. Instead, you have lived your life trying and struggling to survive every single day.

Nobody understood your battles, except yourself. You tried reaching out but all you could grasp was space – empty and black. The emptiness you felt, the hollow and the longing, this are just a few of your hidden shadows.

Remember when you went to the beach alone? You had such a great time. You felt like were part of the tide. There was “oneness” with you and the saltwater. Remember the trek you took on solitude? You were having troubles with your breathing but you’ve manage to stay calm and composed. That was living for you.

You are loved, but you still end up feeling alone. You like it when you’re alone. You often talk to yourself, make silly jokes and laugh on your own. Then you’ll say “at least this laugh right now is genuine happiness”, but was it?

Before the sun sets in your life I want to tell you that I love you and thank you for the good fight. The fight for life is worth remembering no matter what the endings are. This is not the end. The sun may set and darkness may elope,know that the moon and the stars will be there to beam at you with might.

Sleep well luv. Have a wonderful journey. You will be remembered (but not for long).

xoxo,
the dimwit

 

The Gay Plight

The past few days the homophobic issues raged my facebook feed. It started with ‘Pacman’ making remarks about same-sex marriage and media personalities, who are members of the LGBTQ community, retaliating feisty.

Christians quoting verses from the Holy Book. Gays and representatives of the LGBTQ community also stating facts and returning back the insult. I was mad at first after hearing the remarks, as an out-the-closet gay person. That moment I wanted to join the bandwagon of gays and lesbians asking for respect and telling awful things to the ‘religious and righteous’, but I stopped myself from doing so. Observing is what I do best.

My thoughts about the issue: (1) I wanted to tell ‘Pacman’ straight in the face that he is wrong with his facts, I can show him studies that could tell same sex activity among animals but no I wont do that. Instead I want to tell him that I respect his opinions and that he is entitled for it. (2) To the LGBTQ people my fight is with you – always and forever. I know the struggles of how much we try our very best to be accepted and respected in the society. We even put ourselves to mediocre just to be appreciated and they brand us that – the comedians and life of the crowd.  I vow to raise our flag ’til my last breath with pride. (3) To the religious people who claim to be righteous, I respect that you follow the book, but please don’t make nasty remarks about us and we wont against you. We live in the same community therefore we should help each other to aggrandize it. Let us cut the prejudice and spread understanding and respect towards each other.

Same-sex marriage is far from happening in  the Philippines, I know. I am still hopeful though. For now, fighting over the issue is of no big help especially that the country has so many dilemmas.

I will end this post with a common proverb “Respect begets respect”.

Poems and heartaches

Being alone is our worst fear. Maybe not today but as soon as our hairs turn gray. Are we really destined to have someone to share our life with?

Years ago I told myself it’s absurd to long for someone to be with you for the rest of your life. Being single and not committed is such a carefree life. Well, things have changed. Time has changed. I have changed and my decisions and ideals too. I was changed by love – you.

Funny how much I was struck by Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116. That love is eternal and that you could only love a single person in your entire life and you carry that same love ’til your last breath. But darn, what about the so called moving on?

Then I ran into Marlowe’s The Passionate Shepherd to His Love and I thought about us. “To live with you and be my love.” I thought about our promises, the ones that were made and those that were broken. We were looking for the garden full of myrtles instead we found stones in the cold.

Tonight I bid my last ‘I love you’ into the cold night. I’ll sob with the rain for the last time; Let the great poets know that what they have written was for themselves and not for us. That what we have is just for us. What we had was just for us. And it was never meant to last.

Going Home

I am lost. Trapped in between the unknown future and the past I can no longer connect to.

I need to look forward for the future, a friend of mine told me. The future is what we live for. Hope and hard work is there because we anticipate of what might come. Are we really living for the future? Because for me living today is what matters. You can prepare for the future without neglecting what’s in store for today.

Another friend told me to visit my past. I wanted to follow the advice. Does it make me a coward if I don’t face my past?  Figuratively, I don’t know what my past is.

Going home for me is the answer. But not the going home where you meet and greet with your family. I need to go home to myself. Reconcile with myself. Get to know myself better. I need to be reacquainted of what I want and want to become. What I am made of or what have I done in my existence.

There’s so much to be done. But this is a start. I’m going home.

Excerpts of my day

I can’t remember the last time I cried my heart out. I have been a tough wall for a very long time. I became insensitive. I became to be inconsiderate. I am hating it. I am starting to hate myself. This is not the person i wish to become. I wanted to blame you. I wanted to blame myself for resting my life on you too much. I wanted to blame us – the people we can’t be. Somehow I still want to connect with my emotional being but I don’t know where to start.

 

The soul is a work of art

Lines were drawn,
patterns etched on the sides.
Vivid images shown,
slowly fading out of my sight.

Caricature so nice,
drawn by it page by page.
Sheets filled the cries,
Freed the bird inside the cage.

Splash of paints,
A ray of hope; A sign for peace.
Texture and vibrant hues,
A work of art is a masterpiece.